By Adéle Blaeser
Specialist Wellness and Trauma Counsellor at FORTURA
064 977 1228
The connection between trauma and abuse: Healing the past to break the cycle of hurt
Trauma isn’t just something that happened to you, it’s something that has lived inside you, shaping your every thought, belief, action, and relationship. It’s that invisible weight you carry, the deep scars you don’t always see but feel every day. Whether it is fear, shame, neglect, rejection, or anger, these wounds can fuel a cycle of hurt, leading to a life filled with abuse. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to stay trapped in that cycle. Healing is possible, and the strength you need to break free is already within you. The past doesn’t have to define your future.
Understanding the link between trauma and abuse
The connection between trauma and abusive behaviour is clear and well-documented. When someone suffers trauma (whether it’s physical, emotional, or sexual abuse) their body and mind enter survival mode. This is a natural response, but it can have long-term consequences. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading researcher in trauma, explains that prolonged exposure to trauma can actually alter the brain’s wiring. It especially affects the areas that help us regulate emotions, decision making, problem solving, and impulse control (van der Kolk, 2014). Over time, this rewiring can lead to feelings of worthlessness, shame, anger, and depression. When these emotions remain unaddressed, they can lead to abusive or violent behaviour. In fact, many who suffered abuse as children may grow into adults who either continue the cycle of abuse or become abusive themselves, often in an attempt to cope with unprocessed trauma and emotions.
For those who’ve experienced trauma, abuse can feel strangely familiar. Individuals in abusive relationships often remain there because they believe they don’t deserve better or they don’t know what healthier relationships look like. This isn’t just emotional confusion—it’s the legacy of trauma, creating a false sense of normalcy. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you might feel trapped by the cycle, unsure how to break free. It’s common to stay in these relationships because of the deep emotional and psychological imprint left by past abuse. Sometimes, the fear of change, or the belief that nothing better is possible, keeps individuals locked up in unhealthy, often dangerous situations.
This pattern is also deeply generational. Children who experience abuse often grow up to repeat the behaviours they’ve witnessed or endured. Abuse becomes ingrained as a learned behaviour, passed down from one generation to the next. The trauma isn’t just personal—it’s systemic, infecting families and communities across time. This cycle of generational trauma is particularly insidious, because it’s often invisible, hidden in plain sight as “normal” patterns of behaviour, even though they’re damaging.
Breaking the trauma cycle: Healing is possible
The most important thing to understand is this: healing from trauma is not only possible, it’s essential. It’s never too late to break free from the cycle of trauma and abuse. Once you understand how trauma and trauma patterns affect you, your life and your relationships, you can finally begin to manage and heal it.
Maté suggests that compassion and trauma focused approaches and modalities are central to healing. When individuals feel truly seen, heard, and understood, their nervous systems can shift from survival mode to a more regulated state, where they can process emotions and make healthier decisions (Maté, 2010). Dr. van der Kolk also stresses the power of trauma-focused approaches, which help individuals reconnect with their bodies and begin processing their experiences in a healthy, supportive environment (van der Kolk, 2014). These therapies work by addressing the roots of trauma and not merely treat the symptoms thereof and aims at restoring balance and offering new ways to cope with past pain.
One of the most powerful aspects of healing is the development of a support system. Relationships with therapists, peer support groups, and social networks provide essential resources during recovery. Support is vital because silence, isolation, and shame only deepen the cycle of trauma. For those experiencing abuse, external support is often the lifeline that helps break the chains and open the door to healing.
Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
There are so many factors dictating the choices and options for those in abusive relationships, therefore making it seemingly impossible to leave. There are often very real psychological, physical, emotional, and even financial factors that make leaving difficult. Abusers often manipulate their victims, making them feel as though they are powerless, unworthy, or incapable of surviving without them. In some cases (as with insecure and disorganised attachment styles, for example), individuals may believe that the abuse is their fault or that they deserve it. The fear of retaliation, rejection, neglect or loneliness can also make leaving seem too risky. This is where the trauma of the past meets the present: people stay in relationships because their past experiences have shaped their sense of self-worth and their understanding of what love looks like.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, one that requires emotional healing and practical support. Healing from the trauma that keeps you in an abusive relationship can empower you to break free.
The power of resilience: Yes, you can overcome trauma!
It’s crucial to understand that while trauma can feel all-consuming, it does not define who you are. You are not your trauma. In fact, trauma can activate incredible resilience, and the healing journey can lead you to discover your true worth and capabilities. Many people who have suffered profound trauma continue to live fulfilling, meaningful and purposeful lives. Healing can unlock powerful strengths, and it’s possible to transform the pain of the past into a source of inner power. With the right therapeutic tools and a supportive environment, you can move beyond survival to live life to the fullest.
Healing from trauma takes time, patience, and effort, but it is possible. Dr. van der Kolk (2014) explains that trauma can be “unlearned” and reprocessed. Our brains are neuroplastic, meaning they can rewire themselves over time. This offers hope for those suffering from the aftereffects of trauma. With the right interventions, you can create new patterns of behaviour and emotional regulation, breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
The T.R.U.T.H about trauma: A powerful acronym
Trauma isn’t just something that happens to us; it shapes our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and behaviours. Consider the T.R.U.T.H acronym derived from my personal motto “LIVE YOUR TRUTH”. T.R.U.T.H. in this context stands for Transcending Recovery, Unveiling Truths, Hope – a powerful journey of overcoming trauma from abuse. It encompasses the healing process, the shedding of silence, and the reclaiming of your voice, identity, and future, all underpinned by the belief that hope can drive transformation and empowerment.
- Transcending: Rising above the pain of abuse.
- Recovery: Healing emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
- Unveiling: Confronting and revealing hidden truths.
- Truths: Acknowledging the reality of abuse and its impact.
- Hope: Believing in a brighter, healed future.
This acronym encapsulates the powerful journey of overcoming domestic violence, from pain and silence to strength, healing, and hope.
Conclusion
The connection between trauma and abuse is undeniable, but breaking the destructive cycles of trauma is possible. Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s work offer both insight and solutions: trauma can be healed. With the right support, tools, and therapeutic approaches, individuals can rewrite their stories, transforming pain into strength and violence into peace. Healing restores balance and harmony, moving you from mere survival to living an optimal life filled with meaning, purpose, and fulfilment. Though the road might be challenging, it holds the promise of healing, empowerment, and a future free from the chains of trauma. It will undoubtedly be worth it!
References
Maté, G. (2010). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. North Atlantic Books.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.